Not Letting My Ambitions Hurt Me
Doing Everything
Being ambitious can be a cool thing. I grew up in a chaotic household that made me feel unsafe. Out of unsafety, a kid can develop many talents. Somehow, I felt that I had to know everything and I had to be able to do everything.
It makes you a capable person. It makes you think you have all the skills to create a peaceful and perfect life. Nobody wants to experience chaos again, so it makes perfect sense people try EVERYTHING to be their best selves.
I learned and learned until I had many skills in my tool belt. However, the peace I worked so hard for never came. What I did gain: more ambition. More items on my wishlist.
The Perks of Ambition
My ambition came with a lot of perks. You actually get things done. You get to buy the stuff you never thought you could have. You get to enjoy experiences you never thought you would have. You join clubs you never thought you were allowed in.
In the beginning, it felt nice. But the longer I lived that way, the more it became a marathon of maintaining a certain lifestyle. I just didn’t like it anymore. Even if I liked some of those things, I wasn’t willing to pay the price anymore.
On more than one occasion I tried to have a simpler life. Every time I tried to contain my ambition, it just backfired.
When It Starts To Hurt
So what exactly backfired? I felt like I wasn’t important if I didn’t achieve THE NEXT THING. I had to be better. Faster. Make more. Make it faster. When I tried to stop the chase, it felt like I was unimportant.
To be honest, I don’t even know why. I think that’s what an unhealthy childhood does to you. It makes you prove yourself to yourself over and over.
My ambition was no longer something that revolved around learning and exploring. It became a tool to prove my self-worth. I just noticed it in the last couple of weeks. I was just running after all the things I want. It made me exhausted and not even happier.
My wishes started to hurt me. These new wishes have nothing to do with status, achievement, or even self-improvement. These wishes are now simple stuff like visiting places, being more at peace, and becoming a calm person.
However, STRIVING towards even those simple things still felt ambitious. The ‘hurry’ habits I used in corporate life seemed to seep into my personal life. Even trying to be calm became a ‘job’.
A Sense of Self
While journaling, I asked myself what I was looking for. What were the real perks I was looking for in all this ‘self-development’?
I noticed that all the things I wanted should make me feel like I was good enough. But if the things I was chasing would never give me the feeling of being good enough, how could I cultivate a feeling of being good enough?
I noticed I lacked a strong Sense of Self. Everything I needed up until then, came from the outside. I was only someone inside, if I had something from the outside.
I decided to look into this Sense-of-Self-thing. I noticed I had never cultivated how I thought about myself. I was so busy with how others perceived me, that I neglected my wishes. I crossed my own boundaries too many times in an attempt to be liked and feel safe. That came with a price.
Giving up your sense of self just to gain a sense of safety is a terrible trade. An understandable trade through the eyes of a hurt child. I give myself compassion for the trade I made. But now, I will not let outside influences change my sense of self.
I’m Here. Even Without Goals.
I’m more gentle now. I can now say to myself: “I am here. I stand here as a complete human being. I am important. Even without my goals.”
I still have things I want. Things I need. But the pursuit of all those things, however lovely or innocent, can never hurt my peace. I deserve to be a person, even without reaching all my goals or having all my wishes fulfilled.
I’m here.